Dressed to Kill

Funerals are no fashion show. However, there are two universally known wardrobe rules that we all follow to show our respect and our grief 1) Dressy 2) Black. At least I thought they were universal until I attended my grandmother’s funeral in Conroe, Texas. After witnessing the fashion choices made in that chapel, I feel that it’s necessary to outline some more thorough rules about funeral attire.

Men, your pants must be slacks, and they must be black. There will be no jeans, no gleaming belt buckles, no khakis, and nothing that’s not black slacks. That is the only option. Ideally these slacks would be part of a suit, but most of the men I know would throw a fit about having to wear a suit anywhere for one of two reasons. Either they don’t own one, or they’re just uncomfortable in a suit. Men, if you don’t own a suit, buy one. Every man should own a suit, if nothing else, for weddings and funerals. Same goes for being uncomfortable. Get comfortable! You’re an adult; you should be comfortable dressing like one.

While in my mind, all men should wear black suits to funerals, I realize that there are some instances where wearing a suit may feel inappropriate for whatever reason. So wear a button down shirt. NO SHORT SLEEVES! I don’t care if it’s August, you do not wear short sleeves to a funeral. And please, no pastels. This is supposed to be a somber event. Dressing like it’s Easter Sunday does not convey grief, so don’t do it.

Lastly, it’s important that you wear black dress shoes. No cowboy boots, hiking boots, or any sort of sandal. This is not the rodeo, a camping trip, or the beach. This is a church, show some respect.

Now ladies, you have a little more fashion leeway, but just as much room for mistakes. Color rules are a little debatable. I think your funeral outfit should be at least primarily black, but some would say any dark color will do. But really, how hard is it to wear black? All of us own a black dress, pair of pants, skirt, shirt or top, and maybe a cardigan if your dress is a little risqué on top. If you don’t own any of these black items, there’s a problem. Go to the mall and fix it.

The most abundant offenders at the Conroe funeral were sundresses. Sundresses are happy, funerals are not. You will probably be sobbing in a pew, not skipping through a meadow. Abiding by the black rule should eliminate all your overly cheerful dresses. This goes for children also. I understand that a 9-year-old probably doesn’t own a funeral outfit yet, but moms, don’t put her in her Easter dress. You must have bought her a dress in a dark color sometime.

Luckily there was only one young lady who had the nerve to wear jeans and a t-shirt. If someone could explain to me her thought process while getting dressed that morning, I would greatly appreciate it. I’m still in shock weeks later…

And finally ladies, you must not disregard your shoe choice. Black pumps are my favorite choice: Dressy, classy, and respectful. Closed toe is preferable, but certain peep-toes and sandals could also be appropriate. Unfortunately, one woman at my grandmother’s service mistook stripper shoes for an appropriate sandal. Just in case your not sure if you’re sandal is a stripper shoe, here are a couple pointers... If there’s a ribbon that laces up your ankle and ties in a little bow in the back, it’s probably a stripper shoe. Also, if the heel is inexplicably chrome, it’s definitely a stripper shoe. So please, leave them in the bedroom, or on the stage, depending on your profession. Oh, and I’d think that no flip flops goes without saying, but t-shirt girl didn’t get that memo. So for her and any like-minded people, never wear flip flops to a funeral.

So those are the rules. Abide by them. If anyone is having a thought along the lines of, “They’d want me to be comfortable” or “They’d want me to dress happily, not all depressed.” You are wrong. Now you know.